Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

RT if you could go either way.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now