Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.