Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

wtf is a larm clock?

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

*struts into the new year
~ trips