Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.