Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
That’s no pocket rocket.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Only a mother’s love …
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA