Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
