Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Every haunted house movie:
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
