Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
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God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The French cow says MEUX…
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence