two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
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There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*