Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics