Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there