Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My five year plan is a meteorite
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.