Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Kidney stones? Hard pass

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

My birthstone is kidney

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Beards are a privilege, not a right

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim