Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body