Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
😏😏😏
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
🤣
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial