Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
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Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Me: I love to be held
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*
*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium
I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.
Me: Can I have a quickie?
Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.