Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Previously On Persistence 😎
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
They must have gotten it to go.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school