Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?


Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.


[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held


[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*


Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.


I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium


I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.


Me: Can I have a quickie?

Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.


i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch


Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.