@PeaceInTruth1

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

You Might Also Like

@DurtMcHurtt

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

@Adar79Angie

Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.

@ChicksRule

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

@TheRolo

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

@TheDailyManning

Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.

@ehdannyboy

I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium

@Steelers1972

I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

@wesleybordelon

Me: Can I have a quickie?

Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.