Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.