Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious