Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Me: i wish for $20 then
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, “no one cares.”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Relax white people, black people have the “N” word. But we still have words like “Yacht”, and sayings like “thanks for the warning officer”.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Her: Who was your first love?
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this