TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

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Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough


My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”


Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now


When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, “no one cares.”


I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.


*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*


Relax white people, black people have the “N” word. But we still have words like “Yacht”, and sayings like “thanks for the warning officer”.


*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*


Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.


[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this