TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
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Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
And then there were 4
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell