TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Icarus loved hot wings.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
What number SPF blocks people?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information