Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

Come back with a warrant

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

*Seductively hides in the woods

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.