[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
You Might Also Like
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after