If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
therapist: what do you see?
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Live today like it’s your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”