[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
sigh
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.