[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
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I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.