Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*