Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
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S/o to @funTweeters .
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
