Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
You Might Also Like
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
best first i’ve ever seen
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.