Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
sigh
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
