Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
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Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Are we there yet?…
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Oh. My. God.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store