Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
In banana years, I am bread.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.