Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[eats all your cotton candy]
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on