Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
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My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)