Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

I stand by it