Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

sigh

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.