Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip