Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.