Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

May never get over this

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.