two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
You Might Also Like
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room