Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
where’s Godzilla when we need him
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Hit me in the face with a bird
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting