Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

Wedding planning is organized crime.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

I see a badly-tied bin liner.