Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets