Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.