Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
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Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
thoughts?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit