Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Happy Friday
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….