Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

Stop

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80