Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

The pen is writier than the sword.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

The dark side of Canada

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

*puts cutlery down*

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works