Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.