Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

I hate everything