Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Bless you

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework