Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

Note to self: I am a note

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

The morning after pill, but for tweets

Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.