two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane![]()
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.