two people or more is called a problem
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Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*