two people or more is called a problem
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe