Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.