Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
You Might Also Like
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
I am HOWLING at this
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter