Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

This took me a second..

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter