Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worm is coming from inside the brain

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Best seat on the street 😍

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’