Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
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I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*brings nachos to your exorcism*