Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

who wants to go expliring

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.