Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
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My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end