Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
when revenge coincides with naptime
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Breaking news:
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life