Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’