“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
next level snooze
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.