“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death