“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.